What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:59
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What's the point of gender reassignment surgery which doesn't change a person's chromosomes?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I don,t even have a pension.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He knew the spot.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
All the time i was locked up.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.